Black and White sunsets

It's been quite some time since i have written anything on here. Perhaps the last few years have been too much to absorb. Everything happened way too fast to process. Or maybe, i just didn't want to process any of it.

But right now, as i sit here watching my pup, and my sweetheart asleep snuggled up on the couch together, wrapped up in a blanket on a cold NY January night, it feels like a good time to take everything in.

I never thought i'd be here right now. And i don't just mean back in my home town where i grew up, but where I am in life. I never thought i'd be divorced just short of 30. I never thought i'd be with out my first child at this point in my life. In the last year i have wanted to smack every person who has said to me "There's a reason for all of this" and "just be glad you didn't have kids together" Easy for you to say, is what i'd say to myself every time....how easy to say when you have never been in my shoes. But from where i sit now, i agree with it all. And yes, it is easy to say.

My divorce ended with my ex husband never even saying goodbye. I moved back to NY with intentions of only a few months, he stayed in Miami. He came home for a week, and the end of that week life unraveled and fell apart for both of us. He never said goodbye. He sent divorce papers, and our marriage was over.

I never pictured our life apart. We always worked it out somehow, i just didn't think there would come a day when we couldn't. Never thought i'd find someone to "love " me like he did, pull me in close at night like he did. Laugh together like we did. Want to be a family like..... wait.....

And that's when i said to myself..... how much of this did i make up in my head? We didn't laugh, I did. He didn't pull me in close at night, because we didn't even share the same bed anymore. He didn't want a family.... I did.

Who was i married to?

It took so much out of me to finally let go.... not only of the man who i once loved, and once loved me, but of the life that i wanted so badly....

To my surprise, looking at wedding pictures isn't so hard anymore. It's almost like looking at pictures in a wedding magazine. Not even sure who the people in it are, but its a nice picture.

I have found everything i was looking for, in the most imperfect way. I have found a man who is patient, and trusting, who's heart is just as fragile as mine, but refuses to let that stand in the way. A man who is never afraid to tell me how he feels, who doesn't hesitate to introduce me to family, and friends, who is proud.... who is content with just being home, with me, and doesn't feel like he's missing out on something.....

I have found every single thing i have been looking for. And i never thought i'd find it.... here. In this town, at this point of my life, in this person. But my god, am i grateful.

Life for the last few years has looked like that sunset. You know how beautiful it can be, but its black and white. There's no depth to it, there's no life to it... but its there.

Now, the sunset looks the way its supposed to. There is so much beauty, and depth, the colors are so bright. Even on a cold January night.

Proud.

Proud of you Lt Murello ...... and awaiting your arrival back home.

http://www.aworldoftroubles.com/2009/08/afghan-national-army-trains-to-hit.html

The Coast Guard life?

Well, we are here..... about 3 weeks settled in. From Albany NY, to Eureka, CA... its a big change. Kevin is stationed at a land unit working with housing, and i am desperately looking for a nursing job. Its tough out here; the hospital don't hire LPN's (out here L"V"N's) and the nursing home is really the only LVN gig. Medical Assistant are abundant, but the pay is nothing close to nursing pay. Its a bummer. If it weren't for the incredible scenery, i'd be losing my every once of sanity.

We are still scoping things out; we went to Petaluma last weekend to visit a few of his CG friends, the area was nice..... much more civilization there.
I can't knock Humboldt, you won't find many places like it.... its unique. I just miss home. I miss the girls. I miss my crazy patients. I miss Stewerts iced coffee.

"You don't know the greatness you are...."

Never in my life have i had wonderful and amazing friends as these women.
Some days, i really wonder if i could have got through the last year if they weren't there.
I've never been the girl to make close "girlfriends", i always had best friends that were guys, which, is fine.

But there is nothing like the friendship of two women. Or in my blessed situation, 4 or 5 incredible women.

What my patients taught me.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”:- FDR

I had a patient tonight, an 11 year old boy, who is very afraid to swallow pills. We work on it with him every night, and little by little he's been able to do it.

Tonight i came in with his pills, sat down with him, and handed him his first pill..... he put it in his mouth and drank a little too fast, and started coughing and panicking. After he had calmed down, he went to take his second pill and started to cry. He kept crying "but i'm afraid, i'm going to choke, i'm afraid!"

Me, melting when kids cry, and trying to avoid any further choking incidents, automatically took the pills and headed to the door to go crush them. But his grandfather stopped me and said "No Ben, your going to try again"

"Let me ask you something, do you remember who said "“ The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”?" And to my amazement, Ben knew. Ben then said, "so you mean i'm only afraid because i'm making myself afraid?"

Imagine that. Fear. We create it. It is all in our head.
It's something i have never even acknowledged.

He thought about it, and took the pills, and did great.

If only i had someone to coach me through my fears every time i encountered them..........

"you and I"

don't you worry, there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills

maybe I think you're cute and funny,
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you,
with you know what I mean

Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there, you and I, you and I


well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf

The age old question...

How do you get rid of a ghost?

And no i am not looking for a punch line....

Accept it, confront it, and set it free.

Most of us have a ghost....it may be one that has lingered, following us place to place through out life, and now we have just become accustomed to it being around. Or maybe its a new ghost, and we are trying like hell to get rid of it.....but trying all of the wrong things.

I'm sitting here in my little bachelorette apartment, on new years eve, waiting for company to arrive. I broke down in tears a little while ago, long over due tears. I'd like to think that just because the number of the year is going to change in a few hours, life will magically change.....but that is not the case. It's going to take some time.

I am grateful for the few good friends that have shoved me threw the last half of this year, as it was rough. Mike for sitting through a Friends marathon, and letting me vent while curled up on his couch chain smoking.....Heather for helping me move all my crap in a matter of days notice, trying to shove a couch through my door, taking in that stupid freaking beta fish, taking care of me when i needed it the most, and just listening....always listening to me.......Tanya for promising me that one day....i will have it all.
And for the few that remain nameless.....treating me like a women should be treated....rubbing my head until i fell asleep...putting my jacket on for me.....surprising me with roses.....so simple. Yet some people just don't get it. Hhmh.

In the last year
I've earned my now 2nd NYS license. This one i intend to use. Became a nurse. Watched a patient miraculously progress to a stage i never thought i'd see. Fell in love. Became engaged. Had my heart broken for the first time. Became unengaged. Moved twice. Made some wonderful friends. Experienced an evening that i had longed for, for years. And it was worth every last second. Worked full time while putting myself through school full time, and survived it.
And to finish off the year, i now i have my VERY OWN bedroom for the first time since i was 21.......
And i don't have to share my bed with ANYONE if i don't want to. And when i want to, i can. Love it.

Here's to a new day....not a new year.


I'm giving up the ghost.