Black and White sunsets

It's been quite some time since i have written anything on here. Perhaps the last few years have been too much to absorb. Everything happened way too fast to process. Or maybe, i just didn't want to process any of it.

But right now, as i sit here watching my pup, and my sweetheart asleep snuggled up on the couch together, wrapped up in a blanket on a cold NY January night, it feels like a good time to take everything in.

I never thought i'd be here right now. And i don't just mean back in my home town where i grew up, but where I am in life. I never thought i'd be divorced just short of 30. I never thought i'd be with out my first child at this point in my life. In the last year i have wanted to smack every person who has said to me "There's a reason for all of this" and "just be glad you didn't have kids together" Easy for you to say, is what i'd say to myself every time....how easy to say when you have never been in my shoes. But from where i sit now, i agree with it all. And yes, it is easy to say.

My divorce ended with my ex husband never even saying goodbye. I moved back to NY with intentions of only a few months, he stayed in Miami. He came home for a week, and the end of that week life unraveled and fell apart for both of us. He never said goodbye. He sent divorce papers, and our marriage was over.

I never pictured our life apart. We always worked it out somehow, i just didn't think there would come a day when we couldn't. Never thought i'd find someone to "love " me like he did, pull me in close at night like he did. Laugh together like we did. Want to be a family like..... wait.....

And that's when i said to myself..... how much of this did i make up in my head? We didn't laugh, I did. He didn't pull me in close at night, because we didn't even share the same bed anymore. He didn't want a family.... I did.

Who was i married to?

It took so much out of me to finally let go.... not only of the man who i once loved, and once loved me, but of the life that i wanted so badly....

To my surprise, looking at wedding pictures isn't so hard anymore. It's almost like looking at pictures in a wedding magazine. Not even sure who the people in it are, but its a nice picture.

I have found everything i was looking for, in the most imperfect way. I have found a man who is patient, and trusting, who's heart is just as fragile as mine, but refuses to let that stand in the way. A man who is never afraid to tell me how he feels, who doesn't hesitate to introduce me to family, and friends, who is proud.... who is content with just being home, with me, and doesn't feel like he's missing out on something.....

I have found every single thing i have been looking for. And i never thought i'd find it.... here. In this town, at this point of my life, in this person. But my god, am i grateful.

Life for the last few years has looked like that sunset. You know how beautiful it can be, but its black and white. There's no depth to it, there's no life to it... but its there.

Now, the sunset looks the way its supposed to. There is so much beauty, and depth, the colors are so bright. Even on a cold January night.